I’ve got a real ‘bee in my bonnet’ about this. I’ve always said that eating dinner on a tray in front of the TV was a bad thing (and yes, I’m guilty of it myself sometimes). In doing this we lose the opportunity to sit down as a couple or a family and talk about our day. Talking about our day is important. We connect with each other, we know what is going on with each other while we’re apart. We can get frustrations off our chests and discuss plans for the rest of the week or the weekend. Spending time talking without the distraction of television is good for relationships. If you don’t do this already try it for a week and see the difference it makes.
However, I discovered recently that TV dinners are also bad for your health. According to the ‘Fat Doctor'. If you eat in front of the TV you don’t concentrate on what you are eating and you don’t chew your food properly and therefore you are likely to eat more. Statistics show that eating in front of the TV increases the risk of obesity.
So, for the benefit of your health and your relationship please try sitting at the table for dinner and having a conversation.
Wednesday, 25 February 2009
Tuesday, 10 February 2009
Life after Divorce: Will I ever love again?
The short answer to this question is probably yes.
However you have to adjust to your situation and work your way through the emotions of splitting up before you will be able to move on.
The end of a relationship is always tough whether or not it was your decision to end it. You may need to work through some of the following emotions:
Rejection
The person who has been left often experiences feelings of rejection. This can lead to being over critical about yourself – ‘what did I do wrong?’ ‘What do I need to change?’ However, the fact that your relationship ended does not necessarily mean that you did anything wrong or need to change anything. Relationships end for all sorts of reasons. Whilst some introspection can be healthy, don’t go over criticise. Take any lessons on board and then put it behind you. Remember you are a wonderful person capable of loving and being loved.
Guilt
If you chose to end the relationship the chances are you are feeling guilty about hurting the person you love or used to love. However, it is sometimes appropriate to end a relationship because it is destructive to one or both partners. If you feel guilty about not making the marriage work then think about why it didn’t work and learn any lessons you need to learn. Then put it behind you. Accept your guilt as being appropriate for the situation and do some personal development work.
Fear
It is natural to have some fear about venturing out on your own after being part of a couple. The first step is to face those fears – make a list of them and tackle them one at a time. Fears such as being lonely, finances, where you will live, what the future will hold, coping with decision making, being a single parent, losing your children, losing your friends, not being in control, being hurt again, change. Does one or more of these sound familiar? Tackle them one at a time – when necessary consult and expert (i.e. financial advisor, lawyer, life coach). Fear is natural, everyone is afraid sometimes even if they don’t show it. Fear stops us from taking unnecessary risks but it can also motivate us. There are exercises you can do to help you to take control of your fears.
Anger
It is also natural to have some anger towards your ex and/or about your situation. However, whether this is good or bad depends on how you express that anger. Venting your anger directly at your ex is not helpful. Equally, holding your anger in is unhelpful and can lead to depression. Most importantly using the children to ‘get back’ at your ex is completely unacceptable. You need to take responsibility for your anger and learn to express it in ways that will benefit you and help you grow stronger. Some of the things you can do are: phone a good friend (but not too often), do some physical exercise, scream and shout (preferably somewhere you can’t be heard!), have a good cry, write a long letter to your ex expressing all your feelings (but don’t send it). There are also some NLP exercises that your Coach can work through with you.
Grief
The end of a long-term relationship can be cause for grief but this is often not understood by people who have not been through it. Common symptoms of grief are feeling emotionally drained, not sleeping, pushing friends away if they get too close, lack of appetite, rapid mood changes and frequently sighing. It is important to work through your grief. One way of doing this is to keep a journal of how you are feeling and noting down what triggers your symptoms and what enables you to forget them.
Once you have come to terms with these negative emotions you can start to do some personal development work. Because the truth is that you can only really love someone else once you have learned to love yourself.
Accept that your relationship failed without proportioning blame. It doesn’t matter now – its over and you can’t change that. You must learn to love yourself, be ‘self sufficient’ then and only then will you be able to sustain a meaningful relationship with someone else.
There are several steps towards personal development you could take:
There are literally hundreds of ‘self-help’ books out there but you have to make a commitment to actually carry out the exercises, which can be difficult to sustain without support.
You can learn to meditate, which will help to reduce your stress levels and give you some inner peace.
You can use affirmations. An Affirmation is simply a statement that is repeated often enough that you believe it with every fibre of your being. Susan Jeffers has a great Affirmation for newly single people – “I choose to live with a sense of excitement and possibility about all the uncertainty in my life”. What a great way to live – meeting new situations with a sense of curiosity rather than fear. For more information see my Affirmations blog.
You can use Visualisation. This is where you picture how you would like your life to be in great detail, making it feel like it is possible to have what you want. As Walt Disney said – “If you can dream it, you can do it”. For more information see my Visualisation blog.
You can hire a Divorce Coach to help you to increase your confidence and self-esteem, identify negative emotions and beliefs that are holding you back, help you to clarify what you want and support you in achieving the goals you set yourself.
The steps you take can be big or small, only you know the pace you are comfortable with. The important thing is recognising that you are a wonderful person who deserves to live a happy and fulfilled life. Once you know this and you start liking who you and being comfortable with yourself your confidence will grow and you will be able to love again.
Divorce: Don’t just GO through it, GROW through it.
Why not sign up for the New Horizons monthly newsletter?
However you have to adjust to your situation and work your way through the emotions of splitting up before you will be able to move on.
The end of a relationship is always tough whether or not it was your decision to end it. You may need to work through some of the following emotions:
Rejection
The person who has been left often experiences feelings of rejection. This can lead to being over critical about yourself – ‘what did I do wrong?’ ‘What do I need to change?’ However, the fact that your relationship ended does not necessarily mean that you did anything wrong or need to change anything. Relationships end for all sorts of reasons. Whilst some introspection can be healthy, don’t go over criticise. Take any lessons on board and then put it behind you. Remember you are a wonderful person capable of loving and being loved.
Guilt
If you chose to end the relationship the chances are you are feeling guilty about hurting the person you love or used to love. However, it is sometimes appropriate to end a relationship because it is destructive to one or both partners. If you feel guilty about not making the marriage work then think about why it didn’t work and learn any lessons you need to learn. Then put it behind you. Accept your guilt as being appropriate for the situation and do some personal development work.
Fear
It is natural to have some fear about venturing out on your own after being part of a couple. The first step is to face those fears – make a list of them and tackle them one at a time. Fears such as being lonely, finances, where you will live, what the future will hold, coping with decision making, being a single parent, losing your children, losing your friends, not being in control, being hurt again, change. Does one or more of these sound familiar? Tackle them one at a time – when necessary consult and expert (i.e. financial advisor, lawyer, life coach). Fear is natural, everyone is afraid sometimes even if they don’t show it. Fear stops us from taking unnecessary risks but it can also motivate us. There are exercises you can do to help you to take control of your fears.
Anger
It is also natural to have some anger towards your ex and/or about your situation. However, whether this is good or bad depends on how you express that anger. Venting your anger directly at your ex is not helpful. Equally, holding your anger in is unhelpful and can lead to depression. Most importantly using the children to ‘get back’ at your ex is completely unacceptable. You need to take responsibility for your anger and learn to express it in ways that will benefit you and help you grow stronger. Some of the things you can do are: phone a good friend (but not too often), do some physical exercise, scream and shout (preferably somewhere you can’t be heard!), have a good cry, write a long letter to your ex expressing all your feelings (but don’t send it). There are also some NLP exercises that your Coach can work through with you.
Grief
The end of a long-term relationship can be cause for grief but this is often not understood by people who have not been through it. Common symptoms of grief are feeling emotionally drained, not sleeping, pushing friends away if they get too close, lack of appetite, rapid mood changes and frequently sighing. It is important to work through your grief. One way of doing this is to keep a journal of how you are feeling and noting down what triggers your symptoms and what enables you to forget them.
Once you have come to terms with these negative emotions you can start to do some personal development work. Because the truth is that you can only really love someone else once you have learned to love yourself.
Accept that your relationship failed without proportioning blame. It doesn’t matter now – its over and you can’t change that. You must learn to love yourself, be ‘self sufficient’ then and only then will you be able to sustain a meaningful relationship with someone else.
There are several steps towards personal development you could take:
There are literally hundreds of ‘self-help’ books out there but you have to make a commitment to actually carry out the exercises, which can be difficult to sustain without support.
You can learn to meditate, which will help to reduce your stress levels and give you some inner peace.
You can use affirmations. An Affirmation is simply a statement that is repeated often enough that you believe it with every fibre of your being. Susan Jeffers has a great Affirmation for newly single people – “I choose to live with a sense of excitement and possibility about all the uncertainty in my life”. What a great way to live – meeting new situations with a sense of curiosity rather than fear. For more information see my Affirmations blog.
You can use Visualisation. This is where you picture how you would like your life to be in great detail, making it feel like it is possible to have what you want. As Walt Disney said – “If you can dream it, you can do it”. For more information see my Visualisation blog.
You can hire a Divorce Coach to help you to increase your confidence and self-esteem, identify negative emotions and beliefs that are holding you back, help you to clarify what you want and support you in achieving the goals you set yourself.
The steps you take can be big or small, only you know the pace you are comfortable with. The important thing is recognising that you are a wonderful person who deserves to live a happy and fulfilled life. Once you know this and you start liking who you and being comfortable with yourself your confidence will grow and you will be able to love again.
Divorce: Don’t just GO through it, GROW through it.
Why not sign up for the New Horizons monthly newsletter?
The 3 R's
I wrote this piece for my newsletter and thought it would be good to share it with the readers of my blog. I read about the 3 R’s - Respect for Self, Respect for others and Responsibility for your actions and decided it was worth expanding on them.
Respect for Self
It is so important to respect yourself and to live according to your values. Treat yourself well - spend time on personal development. It doesn’t have to be expensive, there is plenty of information on the web. Most importantly learn to like yourself and be ‘comfortable in your own skin’. What you think of yourself is mirrored back to you. If you project confidence, people will see you as confident. If you look relaxed and attentive, people will see you as interested and friendly. If you show respect to yourself people will mirror that respect back to you.
Respect for others
Treating people with respect makes your world a nicer place to live in and it’s easy - all you have to do is treat people the way you like to have them treat you. Here are a few ideas.
· Listen to others when they speak.
· Value other people’s opinions.
· Be considerate of people’s likes and dislikes.
· Don’t talk about people behind their backs.
· Be sensitive to other people’s feelings.
· Don’t pressure someone to do something he or she doesn’t want to do.
· Show interest and appreciation for other people’s cultures and backgrounds.
· Don’t insult people or make fun of them.
Responsibility for all your actions
Taking responsibility for your actions is a big step. So often we blame other people or circumstances when we don’t get what we want. Blaming makes us feel better but it doesn’t solve our problems. When you start taking responsibility you take back your personal power. When you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always got. So, try something different and take responsibility for the results. As you know, one of my favourite authors is Susan Jeffers (see recommended books) and her book ‘Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway’ talks about taking personal responsibility.
If you would like to receive my monthly newsletter please go to the New Horizons Divorce Coaching website to sign up.
Respect for Self
It is so important to respect yourself and to live according to your values. Treat yourself well - spend time on personal development. It doesn’t have to be expensive, there is plenty of information on the web. Most importantly learn to like yourself and be ‘comfortable in your own skin’. What you think of yourself is mirrored back to you. If you project confidence, people will see you as confident. If you look relaxed and attentive, people will see you as interested and friendly. If you show respect to yourself people will mirror that respect back to you.
Respect for others
Treating people with respect makes your world a nicer place to live in and it’s easy - all you have to do is treat people the way you like to have them treat you. Here are a few ideas.
· Listen to others when they speak.
· Value other people’s opinions.
· Be considerate of people’s likes and dislikes.
· Don’t talk about people behind their backs.
· Be sensitive to other people’s feelings.
· Don’t pressure someone to do something he or she doesn’t want to do.
· Show interest and appreciation for other people’s cultures and backgrounds.
· Don’t insult people or make fun of them.
Responsibility for all your actions
Taking responsibility for your actions is a big step. So often we blame other people or circumstances when we don’t get what we want. Blaming makes us feel better but it doesn’t solve our problems. When you start taking responsibility you take back your personal power. When you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always got. So, try something different and take responsibility for the results. As you know, one of my favourite authors is Susan Jeffers (see recommended books) and her book ‘Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway’ talks about taking personal responsibility.
If you would like to receive my monthly newsletter please go to the New Horizons Divorce Coaching website to sign up.
Wednesday, 4 February 2009
Divorce - Selling the Marital Home
As if going through a divorce isn’t traumatic enough, it often leads to being forced to ‘downsize’ which is challenging both emotionally and practically.
You will usually have chosen the marital home as a couple and often will have raised a family there. Every room holds memories, both happy and sad. There will be furniture, pictures, and ornaments that you have chosen/collected together. Being forced to sell up and move out can be extremely distressing.
Once the decision has been made to sell the marital home it is in both your interests to get the best possible price. Start by deciding what will happen to the contents once the house is sold. Discuss between you what you would particularly like to keep – you will probably both need to compromise but it is best if you can come to an amicable agreement, as involving solicitors in arguments about who gets what can cost you £1000’s. Think about what will be important in 5 years time and don’t waste your money or energy on who will get a wedding present or ornament that won’t be that important in your new life.
When you have come to an agreement you can ‘declutter’ the house. Property experts agree that houses with less clutter sell more quickly. Get rid of stuff that neither of you want or have room for and store stuff that you want to keep but clutters the place.
If necessary do some simple decorating - walls should be painted a plain cream or white so they look clean, the rooms look bigger and prospective buyers are not put off because they don’t like the colour or the pattern on the walls. You will recoup the cost of a couple of tins of paint and your time in the price you get for the house.
A common worry about selling the marital home is how you will be able to afford to buy another home. The find out what mortgage you are likely to be offered seek advice from an Independent Financial Advisor. They will have expert and up to date knowledge of which lenders are most likely to lend to you, the best deals available and what type of mortgage would be best for you.
When you know how much you have available get to know a couple of local estate agents. Tell them your circumstances and ask them to keep you informed whenever a house in your price range comes on the market. Keep in touch with them regularly so they don’t forget you. Be realistic about what you will get for your money in the area. Never offer the asking price on a house however much you like it – there is often room for negotiation.
Looking on the positive side of moving house after a divorce, it allows you to make a fresh start. You can choose where you live, even if there are restrictions because of a job or schools you can move to a different district of town or even a nearby town or village within commuting distance.
Moving will give you the opportunity to get involved in a new community and meet new people. Join local clubs, committees or churches. Find a local group that does something you enjoy – a reading circle, a sports club, a gardening club, the WI, a slimming group or an exercise class.
Think of your divorce as a new chapter in your life – a chance to make new friends and try new things. Don’t dwell on the past – look to your exciting new future.
You will usually have chosen the marital home as a couple and often will have raised a family there. Every room holds memories, both happy and sad. There will be furniture, pictures, and ornaments that you have chosen/collected together. Being forced to sell up and move out can be extremely distressing.
Once the decision has been made to sell the marital home it is in both your interests to get the best possible price. Start by deciding what will happen to the contents once the house is sold. Discuss between you what you would particularly like to keep – you will probably both need to compromise but it is best if you can come to an amicable agreement, as involving solicitors in arguments about who gets what can cost you £1000’s. Think about what will be important in 5 years time and don’t waste your money or energy on who will get a wedding present or ornament that won’t be that important in your new life.
When you have come to an agreement you can ‘declutter’ the house. Property experts agree that houses with less clutter sell more quickly. Get rid of stuff that neither of you want or have room for and store stuff that you want to keep but clutters the place.
If necessary do some simple decorating - walls should be painted a plain cream or white so they look clean, the rooms look bigger and prospective buyers are not put off because they don’t like the colour or the pattern on the walls. You will recoup the cost of a couple of tins of paint and your time in the price you get for the house.
A common worry about selling the marital home is how you will be able to afford to buy another home. The find out what mortgage you are likely to be offered seek advice from an Independent Financial Advisor. They will have expert and up to date knowledge of which lenders are most likely to lend to you, the best deals available and what type of mortgage would be best for you.
When you know how much you have available get to know a couple of local estate agents. Tell them your circumstances and ask them to keep you informed whenever a house in your price range comes on the market. Keep in touch with them regularly so they don’t forget you. Be realistic about what you will get for your money in the area. Never offer the asking price on a house however much you like it – there is often room for negotiation.
Looking on the positive side of moving house after a divorce, it allows you to make a fresh start. You can choose where you live, even if there are restrictions because of a job or schools you can move to a different district of town or even a nearby town or village within commuting distance.
Moving will give you the opportunity to get involved in a new community and meet new people. Join local clubs, committees or churches. Find a local group that does something you enjoy – a reading circle, a sports club, a gardening club, the WI, a slimming group or an exercise class.
Think of your divorce as a new chapter in your life – a chance to make new friends and try new things. Don’t dwell on the past – look to your exciting new future.
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