It is astounding how frequently poor communication is the cause of relationship problems.
This is something I have encountered often as a Divorce Coach. I have found that unhappy couples are often couples who don’t talk, or if they do talk they don’t really listen to each other. How can your partner know that you are unhappy if you don’t tell them? How can they stop doing something that annoys you if they don’t know that it annoys you?
How often do you sit down and really talk? By talk I mean really listen to what your partner is saying with your complete attention on them. All couples should make time to talk regularly with no distractions.
How much do you know about what your partner does all day? Be interested; understand what their life is like when they are away from you. Let them have a good moan about their daily problems, people need to get this stuff off their chests and who else should they turn to. In return they should listen to your bugbears.
Nip relationship problems in the bud by discussing things that are on your mind at an early stage. How is she to know that it drives you mad when she uses your razor? How is he to know that you find it really annoying that he doesn’t rinse the washbasin out after shaving? Little things like this can build up until you explode.
It is not just the little things that people don’t discuss. I was astonished when John* told me that the reason for the breakdown of his marriage was that his wife did not want children. This was not something new, she had never wanted children but he had assumed that she would. They had not discussed it before getting married and so it came as a surprise when, 3 years after they got married, he asked when they would start a family and she said that she did not want children. You would think that this was a fairly basic thing to have discussed before getting married but amazingly people neglect to discuss such life-changing things before settling down. When Sue* and Peter* got married, Sue assumed that because Peter had been living in England for ten years he was happy here but two years into their marriage he announced that he wanted to return to his native South Africa and she had to choose between him and her family.
Denise* told her husband that he didn’t pay her enough attention so he started to lavish attention on her – phoning her at least once a day and making a point of asking about her day when he got home from work. But this was not what she had wanted, in fact his phone calls were an interruption to her busy schedule and he was talking to her while she was trying to watch her favourite soap. What she had actually wanted an indication that he still found her attractive but she hadn’t communicated this to her husband. Eventually Denise* told her husband this and found that actually he was relieved. The phone calls had also been an interruption to his day and he was too tired to really talk when he got home from work. They agreed to switch the TV off half an hour early at least three times a week and take the time to talk properly and to set aside ‘quality’ time every weekend to do something together. This has made her feel far more valued and attractive and their relationship has found a new lease of life.
The key to a continuing good relationship is good communication.
Top tips for a lasting relationship:
· Make sure you schedule time to talk regularly, switch the TV off and the answer phone on. Make sure you are not interrupted.
· Make a point of eating together, preferably sitting at the table and having a conversation.
· Never bear a grudge – talk about what is bugging you.
· Make sure that your partner has understood what you are trying to say. Don’t get annoyed if they don’t appear to have ‘got it’. Remember that ‘the meaning of your communication is the response you get’.
· Arrange ‘dates’ once a month. Go out for dinner or a walk in the country.
· Be friends. The strongest relationships are those where the couple are friends as well as lovers.
· Remember what attracted you to your partner in the first place and remind them what it was.
· When your partner does something that you like – tell them.
· When your partner does something that you don’t like – tell them.
Thursday, 16 August 2007
Thursday, 9 August 2007
Following your divorce......
Following your divorce you need to go through a ‘grieving’ process. Your ex may not have died but the marriage has and you need some time to adjust. Several of the people I spoke to found it hard to adjust to being single again.
The following are some tips for helping you to adjust and move on.
Work out what went wrong in your previous marriage. The break up of a marriage is rarely completely one-sided. Be completely honest with yourself and own up to the mistakes you made. You can learn from these mistakes and ensure you don’t repeat them when you embark on a new relationship.
Don’t rush into another relationship. ‘Rebound’ relationships are almost always doomed to failure. Before you can love another person you need to learn to love yourself.
Start with the outside – how you feel reflects in the way you look. Pamper yourself with a new hairstyle and/or colour (most hairdressers will spend time discussing styles if you let them know you want this when you book), get your colours done, buy a new outfit (use a personal shopper to experiment with new looks – many large stores offer this as a free service).
Learn something new. Take up a new hobby, learn a new skill, continue your education. You will meet new people with whom you automatically have something in common.
Don’t develop a ‘victim’ mentality. Feelings of anger and bitterness are not helpful to you. Let them go. Writing your feelings down can help. Sonia, whose marriage broke up after seven years together, kept a journal; she found that writing her feelings down and reading them back later helped her deal with her emotions. Ros found that writing letters to her ex, expressing her feelings helped. She never sent the letters but they helped her to get her feelings off her chest.
Read positive/self-help books. My clients and people I spoke to in my research have said that the following books helped them. Feel the Fear and do it anyway – Susan Jeffers, Growing through Divorce – Jim Smoke, Coming Apart – Daphne Rose Kingman, Positive Affirmations – Louise Hay, Women who love too much – Robin Norwood, Men who hate women and the women who love them – Dr Susan Forward.
All the people I spoke to agreed it took time before they were ready to start dating again. The average seems to be two years. Two of the people I spoke to said that since their divorces they have met their ‘soul mate’ but this did not happen in either case until they had learnt to love themselves.
Nicolas was 31 when her marriage broke down after eight years, she met her new partner 18 months later. Although she was ‘mad about him’ she had difficulty committing to a relationship because she met him just as she was starting to enjoy being single. She says I remember thinking “why now – I’m just beginning to have a life I own”.
This just goes to prove that when we are enjoying our lives we attract people to us. People like people who are confident, positive and happy.
For those of you who have only recently separated/divorced then please believe that things do get better. Life does go on and, in fact, often gets better. The biggest hurdle is learning to look after and love yourself. Start today by setting yourself one small goal – something that you can achieve easily and within a week. When you have achieved it celebrate and set yourself another goal. Before you know it you will be living a life you love.
The following are some tips for helping you to adjust and move on.
Work out what went wrong in your previous marriage. The break up of a marriage is rarely completely one-sided. Be completely honest with yourself and own up to the mistakes you made. You can learn from these mistakes and ensure you don’t repeat them when you embark on a new relationship.
Don’t rush into another relationship. ‘Rebound’ relationships are almost always doomed to failure. Before you can love another person you need to learn to love yourself.
Start with the outside – how you feel reflects in the way you look. Pamper yourself with a new hairstyle and/or colour (most hairdressers will spend time discussing styles if you let them know you want this when you book), get your colours done, buy a new outfit (use a personal shopper to experiment with new looks – many large stores offer this as a free service).
Learn something new. Take up a new hobby, learn a new skill, continue your education. You will meet new people with whom you automatically have something in common.
Don’t develop a ‘victim’ mentality. Feelings of anger and bitterness are not helpful to you. Let them go. Writing your feelings down can help. Sonia, whose marriage broke up after seven years together, kept a journal; she found that writing her feelings down and reading them back later helped her deal with her emotions. Ros found that writing letters to her ex, expressing her feelings helped. She never sent the letters but they helped her to get her feelings off her chest.
Read positive/self-help books. My clients and people I spoke to in my research have said that the following books helped them. Feel the Fear and do it anyway – Susan Jeffers, Growing through Divorce – Jim Smoke, Coming Apart – Daphne Rose Kingman, Positive Affirmations – Louise Hay, Women who love too much – Robin Norwood, Men who hate women and the women who love them – Dr Susan Forward.
All the people I spoke to agreed it took time before they were ready to start dating again. The average seems to be two years. Two of the people I spoke to said that since their divorces they have met their ‘soul mate’ but this did not happen in either case until they had learnt to love themselves.
Nicolas was 31 when her marriage broke down after eight years, she met her new partner 18 months later. Although she was ‘mad about him’ she had difficulty committing to a relationship because she met him just as she was starting to enjoy being single. She says I remember thinking “why now – I’m just beginning to have a life I own”.
This just goes to prove that when we are enjoying our lives we attract people to us. People like people who are confident, positive and happy.
For those of you who have only recently separated/divorced then please believe that things do get better. Life does go on and, in fact, often gets better. The biggest hurdle is learning to look after and love yourself. Start today by setting yourself one small goal – something that you can achieve easily and within a week. When you have achieved it celebrate and set yourself another goal. Before you know it you will be living a life you love.
Tuesday, 7 August 2007
Divorcing at 50+
The divorce statistics for couples over 50 is steadily rising and it seems that it is often the woman that initiates the divorce in this age group. It has been speculated that the triggers for this are children leaving home or retirement and the sudden realisation that the couple have nothing in common any more. Perhaps it is also because women have realised that there are so many opportunities to learn new things, try new hobbies and meet new people that they no longer feel that they have to stay in a loveless marriage.
Retired women have steadily been gaining independence over the last few years. No longer do women stay at home cooking and knitting as my grandmother did but now they join clubs, meet new people and try new things. My mother, who is now 72, is always out – her social life is better than mine! She belongs to a gardening club, a reading club, a wine club, a sewing club, the WI and her local National Trust group. In addition to this she attends a weekly City & Guilds embroidery class and has, together with a group of friends, formed a ‘social’ club with who she regularly goes to the theatre, museums, historic houses and lunch. Their most recent escapade was a boat trip with lunch included.
So women are no longer stuck at home cooking and cleaning and men are having to learn to look after themselves more. Fortunately my father has always been happy to make himself some lunch and do a bit of housework, which is just as well with my mother being out so often. Unfortunately not all men are so capable and perhaps it is these men whose wives are walking out after 30+ years of marriage.
The message seems to be ‘sisters are doing it for themselves’ and I say that’s great. It’s time for the men to catch up!
Retired women have steadily been gaining independence over the last few years. No longer do women stay at home cooking and knitting as my grandmother did but now they join clubs, meet new people and try new things. My mother, who is now 72, is always out – her social life is better than mine! She belongs to a gardening club, a reading club, a wine club, a sewing club, the WI and her local National Trust group. In addition to this she attends a weekly City & Guilds embroidery class and has, together with a group of friends, formed a ‘social’ club with who she regularly goes to the theatre, museums, historic houses and lunch. Their most recent escapade was a boat trip with lunch included.
So women are no longer stuck at home cooking and cleaning and men are having to learn to look after themselves more. Fortunately my father has always been happy to make himself some lunch and do a bit of housework, which is just as well with my mother being out so often. Unfortunately not all men are so capable and perhaps it is these men whose wives are walking out after 30+ years of marriage.
The message seems to be ‘sisters are doing it for themselves’ and I say that’s great. It’s time for the men to catch up!
Rebuilding your Life (3)
Confidence and Self-Esteem
Confidence and Self-Esteem are the key to redesigning your life. Have you ever noticed how confident people attract attention? They seem to draw people to them even when they are not necessarily the most (conventionally) attractive person in the room. One of the things that is attractive about them is that they are comfortable with themselves. If you don’t like and accept yourself you can’t expect other people to like and accept you.
The first step on the road to redesigning your life, therefore, is to learn to like yourself. Take a good, long look at yourself and list the things you like about yourself and the things you don’t like. Start to change the things you don’t like and work on acknowledging and enhancing the things you do like. Don’t be shy – ask friends and family what qualities they like about you and add them to your list.
Take up a new hobby or study to get new qualifications – this is a great way to meet like-minded people whilst learning or getting fit.
Once you are happy with your life your confidence and self-esteem will increase.
Confidence and Self-Esteem are the key to redesigning your life. Have you ever noticed how confident people attract attention? They seem to draw people to them even when they are not necessarily the most (conventionally) attractive person in the room. One of the things that is attractive about them is that they are comfortable with themselves. If you don’t like and accept yourself you can’t expect other people to like and accept you.
The first step on the road to redesigning your life, therefore, is to learn to like yourself. Take a good, long look at yourself and list the things you like about yourself and the things you don’t like. Start to change the things you don’t like and work on acknowledging and enhancing the things you do like. Don’t be shy – ask friends and family what qualities they like about you and add them to your list.
Take up a new hobby or study to get new qualifications – this is a great way to meet like-minded people whilst learning or getting fit.
Once you are happy with your life your confidence and self-esteem will increase.
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