Don’t dread your first Christmas alone. Make sure that you plan what you are going to do well in advance and that you arrange to keep busy over the holiday period. Be organised and don’t leave any spare time when you might brood.
Don’t let any negative feelings (anger, jealousy) about your ex get in the way of enjoying yourself. Don’t worry about what he/she is doing or who they are spending it with; make sure that you are so busy having a good time that it doesn’t matter what they are doing.
Prior to the Christmas break take advantage of all the parties you are invited to. If you haven’t got a company party or a networking ‘do’ to go to then why not throw your own party? You can even throw themed parties – why not go for fancy dress or I recently went to a chocolate party and yesterday I met someone who arranges Body Shop parties. If everyone brings a bottle and a plate of food hosting a party doesn’t have to be too expensive.
One of the options available is to go away on holiday. This is what I did the first year I was on my own. I packed my bags and flew to the Canary Islands with a friend. We had champagne by the swimming pool on Christmas Day and on New Years Eve thoroughly enjoyed the party that was laid on by the hotel with all the new people we had met. If you don’t know anyone who is single why not try Buddies4Travel who can help you find a suitable travelling companion.
Alternatively, if you lead a hectic life, you could decide to spend the time on your own and have some quiet ‘me’ time. Stock up on your favourite foods, a good book and some classic DVD’s and relax. A friend of mine did this a couple of years ago and she thoroughly enjoyed herself.
Don’t forget to buy yourself a self-indulgent present such as a beauty treatment, a massage or a new outfit. If you really feel like splashing out why not have a colour consultation. I had this done for my birthday this year and I felt like a million dollars. You can find consultants all over the country at http://www.cmb.co.uk/directory.asp
If you have other single friends who are going to be on their own over Christmas you could get together and have a house party. Why not play some board games such as Scrabble, Scattergories, Trivial Pursuit or a Murder Mystery? You don’t have to be a child to play games! If money is an issue make a pact not to buy each other presents or limit the cost of presents for each other and share the cost of the food and drink.
Another option is to volunteer to work for a charity over Christmas. Why not help provide lunch for the homeless or visit a lonely elderly person? These websites provide some ideas about how you can help. http://www.timebank.org.uk/volunteer_christmas/ or http://www.do-it.org.uk/magazine/features/news/christmas2006
If you have children you should communicate with your ex about the arrangements for the holiday well in advance. Reassure the children that you will be OK while they are spending time with your ex, that you have plans and will not be sad or upset. Ensure that they are happy with the arrangements that have been made for them.
Have a very Merry Christmas.
Thursday, 22 November 2007
Friday, 9 November 2007
Divorce Fairs - an event for the future?
The world’s first Divorce Fair was held in Vienna at the end of October.
Exhibitors included lawyers, mediators, estate agents, private detectives, DNA labs, and life crisis experts. I can see plenty of scope for financial advisors, counsellors and coaches to participate in future Divorce Fairs.
There was also a series of lectures on subjects such as how divorce affects children and coping as a single parent.
Unfortunately the event was not well attended, perhaps because with the number of reporters present any chance of anonymity was jeopardised.
The event was criticised by some for not focussing more on helping people to save their marriages. Perhaps a lesson for the organisers of the next Divorce Fair?
We have Wedding Fairs, so why not Divorce Fairs? I think that organised sensitively it could be a good idea. What do you think?
Update February 2009: Since I wrote this article the UK's first divorce fair has been announced. The Starting Over Show will take place in Brighton on 15 March.
Exhibitors included lawyers, mediators, estate agents, private detectives, DNA labs, and life crisis experts. I can see plenty of scope for financial advisors, counsellors and coaches to participate in future Divorce Fairs.
There was also a series of lectures on subjects such as how divorce affects children and coping as a single parent.
Unfortunately the event was not well attended, perhaps because with the number of reporters present any chance of anonymity was jeopardised.
The event was criticised by some for not focussing more on helping people to save their marriages. Perhaps a lesson for the organisers of the next Divorce Fair?
We have Wedding Fairs, so why not Divorce Fairs? I think that organised sensitively it could be a good idea. What do you think?
Update February 2009: Since I wrote this article the UK's first divorce fair has been announced. The Starting Over Show will take place in Brighton on 15 March.
Tuesday, 16 October 2007
Five Ways to Keep your Marriage Alive after Retirement
Divorce statistics for the over 50s continue to rise steadily. It has been speculated that the most common triggers for this are children leaving home or retirement. Couples suddenly feel they have nothing in common any more and marriages that have lasted for 25 years or more come to an end. Don’t become another statistic. Follow these steps to keep your marriage alive and happy.
1. Talk to each other. It sounds simple but it is amazing how many couples no longer have meaningful conversations. Discuss your day, current affairs, your interests, share anecdotes you have heard on the radio and remember to talk about your feelings. If one of you does something that annoys the other then talk about it, don’t bottle it up and resent the other.
Make a point of eating your evening meal at the table and talking to each other, rather than eating in front of the TV. This will not only improve your relationship, but also your digestion.
Couples who have strong marriages tend to be friends as well as lovers. “People who play together, stay together” is an old and true saying.
When asked about the secret of her long marriage, Jilly Cooper said “Having enjoyed being married to Leo for 42 years, I can say that the secret of our marriage is bedsprings creaking, not so much from sex but from laughter at a million private jokes that hold us together”.
2. Look for common interests. Find at least one hobby or interest that you can enjoy doing together. Do something different. Try something new together, maybe learn to dance, take up bowling or tennis, or join a club. Meet new people and acquire new skills.
Once you are both retired, share the household chores. It is only fair when both partners are at home to split the housework, cooking, shopping and gardening. Make the chores fun, see who can come up with the most interesting recipe from 5 set ingredients, who can plant the most bulbs in 20 minutes, who can clean the kitchen floor the quickest.
It is also important to have individual interests. Find at least one hobby or interest you don’t share. This will give you some precious time apart as well as something different to discuss. It also creates the chance to form new friendships with like-minded people.
3. At least once a month go on a date. Have dinner, go to the cinema or theatre, visit a museum, take a walk in the country or along the beach.
Ensure the date is planned in advance, is in both your diaries and is never cancelled. Take turns to decide what you will do.
Maybe even go away for the weekend occasionally. This gives you the opportunity to stay in a hotel where you won’t be disturbed by people phoning or ‘popping in’. You get to eat all your meals out, a great opportunity to talk and the chance to explore somewhere new.
4. Practice positive thinking. Happy couples stay together. If you make a habit of thinking positively you are more likely to be happy.
Count your blessings. Be grateful for what you have. List at least 6 positive things that have happened during the day before you go to sleep at night. (A beautiful flower, a bird singing, a lovely sunset, something someone said, a new piece of knowledge, a delicious meal, a good deed, good health, a task completed).
Positive thinking also has a beneficial effect on your health. Research has shown that patients with a positive mental attitude recover more quickly from surgery or trauma and that people with positive attitudes are more likely to conquer diseases such as cancer.
Check in with your feelings regularly and be aware of negative thoughts. Where focus goes, energy flows. Focus on what you do want, not what you don’t want.
5. Spice up your sex life. Just because you’ve been married for a long time, it doesn’t mean you can’t try new things. You don’t have to be athletic, maybe cuddle in a different position or make love in a different place. How about being spontaneous on the sofa? All too often lovemaking becomes a habit and we don’t vary our positions or foreplay. Pretend you have only just met and explore each other’s bodies all over again.
Take a candlelit bath together or massage each other – rekindle the romance.
It is sad for all concerned when a long-term marriage breaks up so follow these simple steps and rekindle your relationship.
If your relationship is not working despite trying these ideas then it is worth making an appointment with Relate (www.relate.org.uk). Splitting up after many years together is devastating both emotionally and financially.
‘Ten Secrets to a Successful Divorce’ is a practical step-by-step guide designed to help you to start redesigning your life right away. And it's yours free just for visiting my website - http://www.newhorizons-divorcecoaching.co.uk
1. Talk to each other. It sounds simple but it is amazing how many couples no longer have meaningful conversations. Discuss your day, current affairs, your interests, share anecdotes you have heard on the radio and remember to talk about your feelings. If one of you does something that annoys the other then talk about it, don’t bottle it up and resent the other.
Make a point of eating your evening meal at the table and talking to each other, rather than eating in front of the TV. This will not only improve your relationship, but also your digestion.
Couples who have strong marriages tend to be friends as well as lovers. “People who play together, stay together” is an old and true saying.
When asked about the secret of her long marriage, Jilly Cooper said “Having enjoyed being married to Leo for 42 years, I can say that the secret of our marriage is bedsprings creaking, not so much from sex but from laughter at a million private jokes that hold us together”.
2. Look for common interests. Find at least one hobby or interest that you can enjoy doing together. Do something different. Try something new together, maybe learn to dance, take up bowling or tennis, or join a club. Meet new people and acquire new skills.
Once you are both retired, share the household chores. It is only fair when both partners are at home to split the housework, cooking, shopping and gardening. Make the chores fun, see who can come up with the most interesting recipe from 5 set ingredients, who can plant the most bulbs in 20 minutes, who can clean the kitchen floor the quickest.
It is also important to have individual interests. Find at least one hobby or interest you don’t share. This will give you some precious time apart as well as something different to discuss. It also creates the chance to form new friendships with like-minded people.
3. At least once a month go on a date. Have dinner, go to the cinema or theatre, visit a museum, take a walk in the country or along the beach.
Ensure the date is planned in advance, is in both your diaries and is never cancelled. Take turns to decide what you will do.
Maybe even go away for the weekend occasionally. This gives you the opportunity to stay in a hotel where you won’t be disturbed by people phoning or ‘popping in’. You get to eat all your meals out, a great opportunity to talk and the chance to explore somewhere new.
4. Practice positive thinking. Happy couples stay together. If you make a habit of thinking positively you are more likely to be happy.
Count your blessings. Be grateful for what you have. List at least 6 positive things that have happened during the day before you go to sleep at night. (A beautiful flower, a bird singing, a lovely sunset, something someone said, a new piece of knowledge, a delicious meal, a good deed, good health, a task completed).
Positive thinking also has a beneficial effect on your health. Research has shown that patients with a positive mental attitude recover more quickly from surgery or trauma and that people with positive attitudes are more likely to conquer diseases such as cancer.
Check in with your feelings regularly and be aware of negative thoughts. Where focus goes, energy flows. Focus on what you do want, not what you don’t want.
5. Spice up your sex life. Just because you’ve been married for a long time, it doesn’t mean you can’t try new things. You don’t have to be athletic, maybe cuddle in a different position or make love in a different place. How about being spontaneous on the sofa? All too often lovemaking becomes a habit and we don’t vary our positions or foreplay. Pretend you have only just met and explore each other’s bodies all over again.
Take a candlelit bath together or massage each other – rekindle the romance.
It is sad for all concerned when a long-term marriage breaks up so follow these simple steps and rekindle your relationship.
If your relationship is not working despite trying these ideas then it is worth making an appointment with Relate (www.relate.org.uk). Splitting up after many years together is devastating both emotionally and financially.
‘Ten Secrets to a Successful Divorce’ is a practical step-by-step guide designed to help you to start redesigning your life right away. And it's yours free just for visiting my website - http://www.newhorizons-divorcecoaching.co.uk
Monday, 15 October 2007
Behavior Tips for Meetings with Your "Ex"
Collaborative divorce is a way of solving disputes respectfully. However, given the reality of human nature, it may sometimes be difficult to maintain a cooperative atmosphere during meetings with your spouse and your respective attorneys. Here are some tips from collaborative experts that may help you as you move through the process of divorce.
Focus on solving the problem. During your marriage you and your spouse tackled problems together. Try to think of separation and divorce as one more problem you are trying to work out together. It may not be easy, but it will help you maintain a cooperative attitude.
Focus on constructive solutions. Recriminations and emotional outbursts will not help you reach your goals.
Focus on your goals and try to offer effective suggestions for reaching them.
Focus on creative solutions. Keep an open mind. Don't become so focused on your ideas that you fail to consider other, possibly more workable, ideas. Be creative. There are many ways to reach a goal. You'll find your collaborative team particularly helpful in suggesting creative solutions to your problems.
Focus on respecting each other. Sarcasm, criticism, inflammatory speech, angry outbursts -- none of these will help you solve your problems or reach your goals. They will only serve to escalate emotions and make cooperation impossible. If your emotions start to spiral out of control, remove yourself from the meeting until you calm down. Collaborative attorneys and the collaborative team are specially trained to foster a cooperative atmosphere that is respectful to both parties. Your divorce coach can help you improve your communication and self-management skills so that you can communicate more effectively during meetings with your spouse.
Focus on speaking for yourself. "I" comments will be more effective during negotiations. You cannot speak for or know the feelings or motivations of your spouse. You can only honestly speak to your own feelings and needs. "You" statements too often are perceived as accusatory and generally lead to unproductive arguments and escalating feelings of hostility.
Focus on listening. Truly listen to what your spouse says. Try to understand what matters most to her and see things through her eyes. Mutual understanding is a necessary step to solving problems in a way that meets the needs of both parties.
Focus on the future. Dwelling on the past and allowing yourself to become mired in emotional pain and blame, while human, will prevent you from moving forward. Accept responsibility for your feelings, but don't allow them to govern your actions.
Focus on reality. Recognize that separation and divorce are huge and perhaps frightening changes for you, your spouse and your children. Quite often one party is less prepared and less accepting of the reality of divorce and the ending of the marriage than the other. Try to respect the needs of your spouse and allow them time to adjust and make decisions.
If you and your spouse can work through the issues of your divorce together while maintaining an atmosphere of cooperation, you will both heal more quickly and be able to move forward with your separate lives. If you have children, divorce will be immensely less damaging if both parents are able to work together amicably.
Posted by Mike Mastracci - Divorce without Dishonor on Tuesday, October 02, 2007 in Collaborative Family Law | Permalink
Focus on solving the problem. During your marriage you and your spouse tackled problems together. Try to think of separation and divorce as one more problem you are trying to work out together. It may not be easy, but it will help you maintain a cooperative attitude.
Focus on constructive solutions. Recriminations and emotional outbursts will not help you reach your goals.
Focus on your goals and try to offer effective suggestions for reaching them.
Focus on creative solutions. Keep an open mind. Don't become so focused on your ideas that you fail to consider other, possibly more workable, ideas. Be creative. There are many ways to reach a goal. You'll find your collaborative team particularly helpful in suggesting creative solutions to your problems.
Focus on respecting each other. Sarcasm, criticism, inflammatory speech, angry outbursts -- none of these will help you solve your problems or reach your goals. They will only serve to escalate emotions and make cooperation impossible. If your emotions start to spiral out of control, remove yourself from the meeting until you calm down. Collaborative attorneys and the collaborative team are specially trained to foster a cooperative atmosphere that is respectful to both parties. Your divorce coach can help you improve your communication and self-management skills so that you can communicate more effectively during meetings with your spouse.
Focus on speaking for yourself. "I" comments will be more effective during negotiations. You cannot speak for or know the feelings or motivations of your spouse. You can only honestly speak to your own feelings and needs. "You" statements too often are perceived as accusatory and generally lead to unproductive arguments and escalating feelings of hostility.
Focus on listening. Truly listen to what your spouse says. Try to understand what matters most to her and see things through her eyes. Mutual understanding is a necessary step to solving problems in a way that meets the needs of both parties.
Focus on the future. Dwelling on the past and allowing yourself to become mired in emotional pain and blame, while human, will prevent you from moving forward. Accept responsibility for your feelings, but don't allow them to govern your actions.
Focus on reality. Recognize that separation and divorce are huge and perhaps frightening changes for you, your spouse and your children. Quite often one party is less prepared and less accepting of the reality of divorce and the ending of the marriage than the other. Try to respect the needs of your spouse and allow them time to adjust and make decisions.
If you and your spouse can work through the issues of your divorce together while maintaining an atmosphere of cooperation, you will both heal more quickly and be able to move forward with your separate lives. If you have children, divorce will be immensely less damaging if both parents are able to work together amicably.
Posted by Mike Mastracci - Divorce without Dishonor on Tuesday, October 02, 2007 in Collaborative Family Law | Permalink
Thursday, 13 September 2007
Positive Thinking
Thinking positively makes you stronger and more confident.
Positive Mental Attitude – PMA. It is proven that patients with PMA recover more quickly from surgery or trauma. People with positive attitudes are more likely to conquer diseases such as cancer.
We have thousands of thoughts every day, most of them are negative – learn to be aware of your thoughts and ‘pull yourself up’ when you catch yourself thinking negatively. Keep challenging your ‘inner critic’.
Notice how people respond when asked ‘how are you?’ The reply is often ‘not too bad, thank you’. ‘Not’ and ‘Bad’ are both negative words. If you catch yourself saying this, change it to ‘Good’ or ‘Great’. Consider the words you use carefully. Detect negative patterns and consciously change them. Adopt positive language so that it becomes a habit. (e.g. people who have achieved something – negative ‘it was a one off’ positive ‘I’ve done it once so I can do it again’)
“Become the change you would like to see in the world” Ghandi
Check your feelings regularly and pull yourself up if thinking negatively. Where focus goes, energy flows. Focus on what you do want, not what you don’t want.
There is no failure, only feedback. People who adopt this attitude are usually successful. If what they have done hasn’t worked then they learn from it and try something else. They don’t fail – they experiment to see what works.
Count your blessings. Be grateful for what you have. List at least 6 positive things that have happened during the day before you go to sleep at night. (a piece of work well done, a beautiful flower, a bird singing, a lovely sunset, something someone said, a new piece of knowledge, a delicious meal, a good deed, good health)
Change your attitude and achieve your Goals.
Action orientated
Take responsibility (if it’s to be it’s up to me)
Turn fear into focus (Feel the Fear and do it anyway)
Imitate excellence
Transform negatives into positives
Uncover your hidden talents
Develop yourself
Expect the unexpected
Positive Mental Attitude – PMA. It is proven that patients with PMA recover more quickly from surgery or trauma. People with positive attitudes are more likely to conquer diseases such as cancer.
We have thousands of thoughts every day, most of them are negative – learn to be aware of your thoughts and ‘pull yourself up’ when you catch yourself thinking negatively. Keep challenging your ‘inner critic’.
Notice how people respond when asked ‘how are you?’ The reply is often ‘not too bad, thank you’. ‘Not’ and ‘Bad’ are both negative words. If you catch yourself saying this, change it to ‘Good’ or ‘Great’. Consider the words you use carefully. Detect negative patterns and consciously change them. Adopt positive language so that it becomes a habit. (e.g. people who have achieved something – negative ‘it was a one off’ positive ‘I’ve done it once so I can do it again’)
“Become the change you would like to see in the world” Ghandi
Check your feelings regularly and pull yourself up if thinking negatively. Where focus goes, energy flows. Focus on what you do want, not what you don’t want.
There is no failure, only feedback. People who adopt this attitude are usually successful. If what they have done hasn’t worked then they learn from it and try something else. They don’t fail – they experiment to see what works.
Count your blessings. Be grateful for what you have. List at least 6 positive things that have happened during the day before you go to sleep at night. (a piece of work well done, a beautiful flower, a bird singing, a lovely sunset, something someone said, a new piece of knowledge, a delicious meal, a good deed, good health)
Change your attitude and achieve your Goals.
Action orientated
Take responsibility (if it’s to be it’s up to me)
Turn fear into focus (Feel the Fear and do it anyway)
Imitate excellence
Transform negatives into positives
Uncover your hidden talents
Develop yourself
Expect the unexpected
Thursday, 16 August 2007
Relationships: The Importance of Communication
It is astounding how frequently poor communication is the cause of relationship problems.
This is something I have encountered often as a Divorce Coach. I have found that unhappy couples are often couples who don’t talk, or if they do talk they don’t really listen to each other. How can your partner know that you are unhappy if you don’t tell them? How can they stop doing something that annoys you if they don’t know that it annoys you?
How often do you sit down and really talk? By talk I mean really listen to what your partner is saying with your complete attention on them. All couples should make time to talk regularly with no distractions.
How much do you know about what your partner does all day? Be interested; understand what their life is like when they are away from you. Let them have a good moan about their daily problems, people need to get this stuff off their chests and who else should they turn to. In return they should listen to your bugbears.
Nip relationship problems in the bud by discussing things that are on your mind at an early stage. How is she to know that it drives you mad when she uses your razor? How is he to know that you find it really annoying that he doesn’t rinse the washbasin out after shaving? Little things like this can build up until you explode.
It is not just the little things that people don’t discuss. I was astonished when John* told me that the reason for the breakdown of his marriage was that his wife did not want children. This was not something new, she had never wanted children but he had assumed that she would. They had not discussed it before getting married and so it came as a surprise when, 3 years after they got married, he asked when they would start a family and she said that she did not want children. You would think that this was a fairly basic thing to have discussed before getting married but amazingly people neglect to discuss such life-changing things before settling down. When Sue* and Peter* got married, Sue assumed that because Peter had been living in England for ten years he was happy here but two years into their marriage he announced that he wanted to return to his native South Africa and she had to choose between him and her family.
Denise* told her husband that he didn’t pay her enough attention so he started to lavish attention on her – phoning her at least once a day and making a point of asking about her day when he got home from work. But this was not what she had wanted, in fact his phone calls were an interruption to her busy schedule and he was talking to her while she was trying to watch her favourite soap. What she had actually wanted an indication that he still found her attractive but she hadn’t communicated this to her husband. Eventually Denise* told her husband this and found that actually he was relieved. The phone calls had also been an interruption to his day and he was too tired to really talk when he got home from work. They agreed to switch the TV off half an hour early at least three times a week and take the time to talk properly and to set aside ‘quality’ time every weekend to do something together. This has made her feel far more valued and attractive and their relationship has found a new lease of life.
The key to a continuing good relationship is good communication.
Top tips for a lasting relationship:
· Make sure you schedule time to talk regularly, switch the TV off and the answer phone on. Make sure you are not interrupted.
· Make a point of eating together, preferably sitting at the table and having a conversation.
· Never bear a grudge – talk about what is bugging you.
· Make sure that your partner has understood what you are trying to say. Don’t get annoyed if they don’t appear to have ‘got it’. Remember that ‘the meaning of your communication is the response you get’.
· Arrange ‘dates’ once a month. Go out for dinner or a walk in the country.
· Be friends. The strongest relationships are those where the couple are friends as well as lovers.
· Remember what attracted you to your partner in the first place and remind them what it was.
· When your partner does something that you like – tell them.
· When your partner does something that you don’t like – tell them.
This is something I have encountered often as a Divorce Coach. I have found that unhappy couples are often couples who don’t talk, or if they do talk they don’t really listen to each other. How can your partner know that you are unhappy if you don’t tell them? How can they stop doing something that annoys you if they don’t know that it annoys you?
How often do you sit down and really talk? By talk I mean really listen to what your partner is saying with your complete attention on them. All couples should make time to talk regularly with no distractions.
How much do you know about what your partner does all day? Be interested; understand what their life is like when they are away from you. Let them have a good moan about their daily problems, people need to get this stuff off their chests and who else should they turn to. In return they should listen to your bugbears.
Nip relationship problems in the bud by discussing things that are on your mind at an early stage. How is she to know that it drives you mad when she uses your razor? How is he to know that you find it really annoying that he doesn’t rinse the washbasin out after shaving? Little things like this can build up until you explode.
It is not just the little things that people don’t discuss. I was astonished when John* told me that the reason for the breakdown of his marriage was that his wife did not want children. This was not something new, she had never wanted children but he had assumed that she would. They had not discussed it before getting married and so it came as a surprise when, 3 years after they got married, he asked when they would start a family and she said that she did not want children. You would think that this was a fairly basic thing to have discussed before getting married but amazingly people neglect to discuss such life-changing things before settling down. When Sue* and Peter* got married, Sue assumed that because Peter had been living in England for ten years he was happy here but two years into their marriage he announced that he wanted to return to his native South Africa and she had to choose between him and her family.
Denise* told her husband that he didn’t pay her enough attention so he started to lavish attention on her – phoning her at least once a day and making a point of asking about her day when he got home from work. But this was not what she had wanted, in fact his phone calls were an interruption to her busy schedule and he was talking to her while she was trying to watch her favourite soap. What she had actually wanted an indication that he still found her attractive but she hadn’t communicated this to her husband. Eventually Denise* told her husband this and found that actually he was relieved. The phone calls had also been an interruption to his day and he was too tired to really talk when he got home from work. They agreed to switch the TV off half an hour early at least three times a week and take the time to talk properly and to set aside ‘quality’ time every weekend to do something together. This has made her feel far more valued and attractive and their relationship has found a new lease of life.
The key to a continuing good relationship is good communication.
Top tips for a lasting relationship:
· Make sure you schedule time to talk regularly, switch the TV off and the answer phone on. Make sure you are not interrupted.
· Make a point of eating together, preferably sitting at the table and having a conversation.
· Never bear a grudge – talk about what is bugging you.
· Make sure that your partner has understood what you are trying to say. Don’t get annoyed if they don’t appear to have ‘got it’. Remember that ‘the meaning of your communication is the response you get’.
· Arrange ‘dates’ once a month. Go out for dinner or a walk in the country.
· Be friends. The strongest relationships are those where the couple are friends as well as lovers.
· Remember what attracted you to your partner in the first place and remind them what it was.
· When your partner does something that you like – tell them.
· When your partner does something that you don’t like – tell them.
Thursday, 9 August 2007
Following your divorce......
Following your divorce you need to go through a ‘grieving’ process. Your ex may not have died but the marriage has and you need some time to adjust. Several of the people I spoke to found it hard to adjust to being single again.
The following are some tips for helping you to adjust and move on.
Work out what went wrong in your previous marriage. The break up of a marriage is rarely completely one-sided. Be completely honest with yourself and own up to the mistakes you made. You can learn from these mistakes and ensure you don’t repeat them when you embark on a new relationship.
Don’t rush into another relationship. ‘Rebound’ relationships are almost always doomed to failure. Before you can love another person you need to learn to love yourself.
Start with the outside – how you feel reflects in the way you look. Pamper yourself with a new hairstyle and/or colour (most hairdressers will spend time discussing styles if you let them know you want this when you book), get your colours done, buy a new outfit (use a personal shopper to experiment with new looks – many large stores offer this as a free service).
Learn something new. Take up a new hobby, learn a new skill, continue your education. You will meet new people with whom you automatically have something in common.
Don’t develop a ‘victim’ mentality. Feelings of anger and bitterness are not helpful to you. Let them go. Writing your feelings down can help. Sonia, whose marriage broke up after seven years together, kept a journal; she found that writing her feelings down and reading them back later helped her deal with her emotions. Ros found that writing letters to her ex, expressing her feelings helped. She never sent the letters but they helped her to get her feelings off her chest.
Read positive/self-help books. My clients and people I spoke to in my research have said that the following books helped them. Feel the Fear and do it anyway – Susan Jeffers, Growing through Divorce – Jim Smoke, Coming Apart – Daphne Rose Kingman, Positive Affirmations – Louise Hay, Women who love too much – Robin Norwood, Men who hate women and the women who love them – Dr Susan Forward.
All the people I spoke to agreed it took time before they were ready to start dating again. The average seems to be two years. Two of the people I spoke to said that since their divorces they have met their ‘soul mate’ but this did not happen in either case until they had learnt to love themselves.
Nicolas was 31 when her marriage broke down after eight years, she met her new partner 18 months later. Although she was ‘mad about him’ she had difficulty committing to a relationship because she met him just as she was starting to enjoy being single. She says I remember thinking “why now – I’m just beginning to have a life I own”.
This just goes to prove that when we are enjoying our lives we attract people to us. People like people who are confident, positive and happy.
For those of you who have only recently separated/divorced then please believe that things do get better. Life does go on and, in fact, often gets better. The biggest hurdle is learning to look after and love yourself. Start today by setting yourself one small goal – something that you can achieve easily and within a week. When you have achieved it celebrate and set yourself another goal. Before you know it you will be living a life you love.
The following are some tips for helping you to adjust and move on.
Work out what went wrong in your previous marriage. The break up of a marriage is rarely completely one-sided. Be completely honest with yourself and own up to the mistakes you made. You can learn from these mistakes and ensure you don’t repeat them when you embark on a new relationship.
Don’t rush into another relationship. ‘Rebound’ relationships are almost always doomed to failure. Before you can love another person you need to learn to love yourself.
Start with the outside – how you feel reflects in the way you look. Pamper yourself with a new hairstyle and/or colour (most hairdressers will spend time discussing styles if you let them know you want this when you book), get your colours done, buy a new outfit (use a personal shopper to experiment with new looks – many large stores offer this as a free service).
Learn something new. Take up a new hobby, learn a new skill, continue your education. You will meet new people with whom you automatically have something in common.
Don’t develop a ‘victim’ mentality. Feelings of anger and bitterness are not helpful to you. Let them go. Writing your feelings down can help. Sonia, whose marriage broke up after seven years together, kept a journal; she found that writing her feelings down and reading them back later helped her deal with her emotions. Ros found that writing letters to her ex, expressing her feelings helped. She never sent the letters but they helped her to get her feelings off her chest.
Read positive/self-help books. My clients and people I spoke to in my research have said that the following books helped them. Feel the Fear and do it anyway – Susan Jeffers, Growing through Divorce – Jim Smoke, Coming Apart – Daphne Rose Kingman, Positive Affirmations – Louise Hay, Women who love too much – Robin Norwood, Men who hate women and the women who love them – Dr Susan Forward.
All the people I spoke to agreed it took time before they were ready to start dating again. The average seems to be two years. Two of the people I spoke to said that since their divorces they have met their ‘soul mate’ but this did not happen in either case until they had learnt to love themselves.
Nicolas was 31 when her marriage broke down after eight years, she met her new partner 18 months later. Although she was ‘mad about him’ she had difficulty committing to a relationship because she met him just as she was starting to enjoy being single. She says I remember thinking “why now – I’m just beginning to have a life I own”.
This just goes to prove that when we are enjoying our lives we attract people to us. People like people who are confident, positive and happy.
For those of you who have only recently separated/divorced then please believe that things do get better. Life does go on and, in fact, often gets better. The biggest hurdle is learning to look after and love yourself. Start today by setting yourself one small goal – something that you can achieve easily and within a week. When you have achieved it celebrate and set yourself another goal. Before you know it you will be living a life you love.
Tuesday, 7 August 2007
Divorcing at 50+
The divorce statistics for couples over 50 is steadily rising and it seems that it is often the woman that initiates the divorce in this age group. It has been speculated that the triggers for this are children leaving home or retirement and the sudden realisation that the couple have nothing in common any more. Perhaps it is also because women have realised that there are so many opportunities to learn new things, try new hobbies and meet new people that they no longer feel that they have to stay in a loveless marriage.
Retired women have steadily been gaining independence over the last few years. No longer do women stay at home cooking and knitting as my grandmother did but now they join clubs, meet new people and try new things. My mother, who is now 72, is always out – her social life is better than mine! She belongs to a gardening club, a reading club, a wine club, a sewing club, the WI and her local National Trust group. In addition to this she attends a weekly City & Guilds embroidery class and has, together with a group of friends, formed a ‘social’ club with who she regularly goes to the theatre, museums, historic houses and lunch. Their most recent escapade was a boat trip with lunch included.
So women are no longer stuck at home cooking and cleaning and men are having to learn to look after themselves more. Fortunately my father has always been happy to make himself some lunch and do a bit of housework, which is just as well with my mother being out so often. Unfortunately not all men are so capable and perhaps it is these men whose wives are walking out after 30+ years of marriage.
The message seems to be ‘sisters are doing it for themselves’ and I say that’s great. It’s time for the men to catch up!
Retired women have steadily been gaining independence over the last few years. No longer do women stay at home cooking and knitting as my grandmother did but now they join clubs, meet new people and try new things. My mother, who is now 72, is always out – her social life is better than mine! She belongs to a gardening club, a reading club, a wine club, a sewing club, the WI and her local National Trust group. In addition to this she attends a weekly City & Guilds embroidery class and has, together with a group of friends, formed a ‘social’ club with who she regularly goes to the theatre, museums, historic houses and lunch. Their most recent escapade was a boat trip with lunch included.
So women are no longer stuck at home cooking and cleaning and men are having to learn to look after themselves more. Fortunately my father has always been happy to make himself some lunch and do a bit of housework, which is just as well with my mother being out so often. Unfortunately not all men are so capable and perhaps it is these men whose wives are walking out after 30+ years of marriage.
The message seems to be ‘sisters are doing it for themselves’ and I say that’s great. It’s time for the men to catch up!
Rebuilding your Life (3)
Confidence and Self-Esteem
Confidence and Self-Esteem are the key to redesigning your life. Have you ever noticed how confident people attract attention? They seem to draw people to them even when they are not necessarily the most (conventionally) attractive person in the room. One of the things that is attractive about them is that they are comfortable with themselves. If you don’t like and accept yourself you can’t expect other people to like and accept you.
The first step on the road to redesigning your life, therefore, is to learn to like yourself. Take a good, long look at yourself and list the things you like about yourself and the things you don’t like. Start to change the things you don’t like and work on acknowledging and enhancing the things you do like. Don’t be shy – ask friends and family what qualities they like about you and add them to your list.
Take up a new hobby or study to get new qualifications – this is a great way to meet like-minded people whilst learning or getting fit.
Once you are happy with your life your confidence and self-esteem will increase.
Confidence and Self-Esteem are the key to redesigning your life. Have you ever noticed how confident people attract attention? They seem to draw people to them even when they are not necessarily the most (conventionally) attractive person in the room. One of the things that is attractive about them is that they are comfortable with themselves. If you don’t like and accept yourself you can’t expect other people to like and accept you.
The first step on the road to redesigning your life, therefore, is to learn to like yourself. Take a good, long look at yourself and list the things you like about yourself and the things you don’t like. Start to change the things you don’t like and work on acknowledging and enhancing the things you do like. Don’t be shy – ask friends and family what qualities they like about you and add them to your list.
Take up a new hobby or study to get new qualifications – this is a great way to meet like-minded people whilst learning or getting fit.
Once you are happy with your life your confidence and self-esteem will increase.
Friday, 20 July 2007
Variety is the Spice of Life
I've just been talking to a lady from an organisation called Spice.
Spice is a sports and social club. They arrange all sorts of events at discounted prices. Members can be single or married so its a great place to meet people. Some examples of events are: rally driving, sailing, an evening at the races, painting, an evening at the theatre, dancing and various dining clubs.
I thought it was a great way for divorced people to meet new friends. Sound like fun? Why not go along to one of their preview evenings?
Spice is a sports and social club. They arrange all sorts of events at discounted prices. Members can be single or married so its a great place to meet people. Some examples of events are: rally driving, sailing, an evening at the races, painting, an evening at the theatre, dancing and various dining clubs.
I thought it was a great way for divorced people to meet new friends. Sound like fun? Why not go along to one of their preview evenings?
Thursday, 19 July 2007
Go For It!!
I've been doing a lot of networking recently and I find it really interesting the way people react when I say that I am a Divorce Coach. Reactions are varied - from "I could have done with you when I got divorced" to "I'm happy to say I don't need your services". However I have only had good reactions - it seems everyone knows someone who is divorced or is getting divorced - and all think that working with a Divorce Coach is a good idea.
Its amazing how many people are unhappy with some aspect of their life but don't do anything about it. We all have a choice but we just settle for what we've got out of habit or apathy. WHY?? We only have one life - we should live it to the full, not just 'get by'.
Please don't just go through life settling for second best. Design your life - decide what you want and work out how to get it. You can do it.
As Henry Ford said - “Whether you think you can or you can’t, either way you are right”
Its amazing how many people are unhappy with some aspect of their life but don't do anything about it. We all have a choice but we just settle for what we've got out of habit or apathy. WHY?? We only have one life - we should live it to the full, not just 'get by'.
Please don't just go through life settling for second best. Design your life - decide what you want and work out how to get it. You can do it.
As Henry Ford said - “Whether you think you can or you can’t, either way you are right”
Thursday, 28 June 2007
Divorce: A Chance to Redesign Your Life
When the decree absolute comes through the door do you feel that it’s the ultimate rejection or do you celebrate?
Why not look at Divorce as an opportunity? A chance to redesign your life, to make sure that you are living a life that you love and not just going through the motions.
Make time to really decide what you do and don’t want and then plan the steps you need to take to redesign your life.
The biggest challenge is deciding what you do want. So many people don’t know, maybe you haven’t even thought about it.
Steps to redesigning your life
Set aside a couple of hours, go somewhere you won’t be disturbed and think about what you want your life to be like. Write down all the things you would like to be, do and have. Write everything down, however crazy it may seem.
What did you used to enjoy before you were married? Did you sacrifice any dreams, ambitions or hobbies during your marriage?
Imagine that you are 90 years old, looking back over your life – what memories would you like to have?
What would you like people to be saying about you?
Now think about what steps you could take towards achieving your perfect life. Don’t think that it’s hopeless and you can’t change anything; think about what is stopping you from being, doing and having what you want. By making small changes, going one step at a time and trying different things you can change your life.
Five secrets to creating a life you love
1. Know what you want.
2. Be willing to take action.
3. Believe that there is no failure, only feedback
4. Be willing to try different things, if what you are doing isn’t working then do something different.
5. Be positive and believe that you can create a life you love.
The biggest challenge
The biggest challenge is believing that what you want is possible.
Next steps
Set yourself some goals - some steps you can take towards having the life you want. Small goals are fine – once you have achieved these then you can create some more goals to move you even closer to your ‘life’ goal. The secret is to write the goals down and make sure that you specify when you will achieve them by. As you achieve each goal celebrate your success, and then move on to the next goal.
If at first you don’t succeed………
Hire a Divorce Coach.
A Divorce Coach will:
Listen to you with undivided attention
Help you to clarify what you do want and how to get it
Work with you to challenge and destroy beliefs that are holding you back
Support you
Encourage you
Hold you accountable for attaining your goals
A Divorce Coach will not:
Assume that they ‘know what you mean’
Judge you
Tell you what you should do
Why not look at Divorce as an opportunity? A chance to redesign your life, to make sure that you are living a life that you love and not just going through the motions.
Make time to really decide what you do and don’t want and then plan the steps you need to take to redesign your life.
The biggest challenge is deciding what you do want. So many people don’t know, maybe you haven’t even thought about it.
Steps to redesigning your life
Set aside a couple of hours, go somewhere you won’t be disturbed and think about what you want your life to be like. Write down all the things you would like to be, do and have. Write everything down, however crazy it may seem.
What did you used to enjoy before you were married? Did you sacrifice any dreams, ambitions or hobbies during your marriage?
Imagine that you are 90 years old, looking back over your life – what memories would you like to have?
What would you like people to be saying about you?
Now think about what steps you could take towards achieving your perfect life. Don’t think that it’s hopeless and you can’t change anything; think about what is stopping you from being, doing and having what you want. By making small changes, going one step at a time and trying different things you can change your life.
Five secrets to creating a life you love
1. Know what you want.
2. Be willing to take action.
3. Believe that there is no failure, only feedback
4. Be willing to try different things, if what you are doing isn’t working then do something different.
5. Be positive and believe that you can create a life you love.
The biggest challenge
The biggest challenge is believing that what you want is possible.
Next steps
Set yourself some goals - some steps you can take towards having the life you want. Small goals are fine – once you have achieved these then you can create some more goals to move you even closer to your ‘life’ goal. The secret is to write the goals down and make sure that you specify when you will achieve them by. As you achieve each goal celebrate your success, and then move on to the next goal.
If at first you don’t succeed………
Hire a Divorce Coach.
A Divorce Coach will:
Listen to you with undivided attention
Help you to clarify what you do want and how to get it
Work with you to challenge and destroy beliefs that are holding you back
Support you
Encourage you
Hold you accountable for attaining your goals
A Divorce Coach will not:
Assume that they ‘know what you mean’
Judge you
Tell you what you should do
Wednesday, 13 June 2007
After divorce it is important to:
· Believe in yourself
· Let go of regrets and bitterness
· Move forward, make new friends who don’t know your ex.
· Enjoy new experiences
· Live in the present, don’t dwell on the past
· Know your purpose
· Think positively. We attract what we think about so think positive thoughts and attract good things into your life
· Discover your strengths
· Design a new life
These are the things that a Divorce Coach can help you with.
· Let go of regrets and bitterness
· Move forward, make new friends who don’t know your ex.
· Enjoy new experiences
· Live in the present, don’t dwell on the past
· Know your purpose
· Think positively. We attract what we think about so think positive thoughts and attract good things into your life
· Discover your strengths
· Design a new life
These are the things that a Divorce Coach can help you with.
Monday, 4 June 2007
Rebuilding your Life (2)
Dealing with Anger
Have some of these thoughts crossed your mind –
Why did he/she leave me?
How could he/she take away my happiness/home/children/friends?
How dare he/she find happiness without me?
Anger is a normal reaction to divorce. However, it is not a helpful emotion and I thoroughly recommend that you work through it as quickly as possible and start to make a new life for yourself.
What was it about your marriage that made you happy? List the good things about your marriage. If you have your ex partner on your list then take them off. The most important thing to know is that you can’t rely on anyone else for your happiness. It has to come from within. Take the good things about your married life and try and incorporate them in your new life.
Now make a list of all your good qualities (I’m a great one for making lists – they help to clear the mind). List everything that is good about you, both the way you look and your personality, however silly it may seem. Keep the list for a few days and add to it as you think of new things. Then ask your friends and family to add to the list. You’ll be surprised at how other people see you. I recently did this myself and was amazed and flattered at how other people perceive me.
Use the good things that are on your list to write some affirmations (see previous posting).
Now you can build on all these positive things – add qualities that you would like to have and strive to achieve them.
Have some of these thoughts crossed your mind –
Why did he/she leave me?
How could he/she take away my happiness/home/children/friends?
How dare he/she find happiness without me?
Anger is a normal reaction to divorce. However, it is not a helpful emotion and I thoroughly recommend that you work through it as quickly as possible and start to make a new life for yourself.
What was it about your marriage that made you happy? List the good things about your marriage. If you have your ex partner on your list then take them off. The most important thing to know is that you can’t rely on anyone else for your happiness. It has to come from within. Take the good things about your married life and try and incorporate them in your new life.
Now make a list of all your good qualities (I’m a great one for making lists – they help to clear the mind). List everything that is good about you, both the way you look and your personality, however silly it may seem. Keep the list for a few days and add to it as you think of new things. Then ask your friends and family to add to the list. You’ll be surprised at how other people see you. I recently did this myself and was amazed and flattered at how other people perceive me.
Use the good things that are on your list to write some affirmations (see previous posting).
Now you can build on all these positive things – add qualities that you would like to have and strive to achieve them.
Saturday, 2 June 2007
Rebuilding your life (1)
Positive Thinking - Using Affirmations
An Affirmation is simply a statement that is repeated often enough that you believe it with every fibre of your being.
· Your Affirmations must be brief – ideally no more than 20 words.
· Your Affirmations must be written, clearly in your best writing
· Your Affirmations must be written in words you would normally use
· Your Affirmations must be positive
· Your Affirmations must be specific
· Your Affirmations must be about what you DO want, not about what you don’t want
· Your Affirmations must be in the present tense – as if they are already true
· Your Affirmations must be read (aloud if possible) at least four times daily
You need to be alert when you create and repeat your affirmations. If you drive you can record them to play in your car, even if you are totally focussed on driving safely they will still enter your mind at a subliminal level.
The best time of day to read your affirmations is when you get up in the morning. Repeat them again in the middle of the day and again when you finish work, then read them again before you go to bed.
To start with, avoid the temptation to set affirmations for material needs, wants and desires. Instead focus on your quality of life, your beliefs and your feelings.
Examine your feelings and where you find negative thoughts or feelings counter them with positive affirmations. The purpose of examining your feelings is to start creating a life that is free of struggle or emotional upheaval. A life that is full of love, pleasure and fulfilment. When you acquire that life you will have amazing freedom and time to explore options.
You were born with no excess baggage. Everything that you have been, done or acquired since then – good or bad- is of your own will and action. Others may have influenced you but the ultimate responsibility was and is yours. If you need to you CAN change any situation.
Some examples of inspiring affirmations are:
· I accept total responsibility for my life, thoughts and feelings
· I set myself high goals and achieve them
· I look to the future where my expectations are limitless
· I enjoy the beauty of each day
· My needs are met
· I use my skills and talents to the full
· If it is to be, it is up to me
· Every day, in every way, I am better and better
An Affirmation is simply a statement that is repeated often enough that you believe it with every fibre of your being.
· Your Affirmations must be brief – ideally no more than 20 words.
· Your Affirmations must be written, clearly in your best writing
· Your Affirmations must be written in words you would normally use
· Your Affirmations must be positive
· Your Affirmations must be specific
· Your Affirmations must be about what you DO want, not about what you don’t want
· Your Affirmations must be in the present tense – as if they are already true
· Your Affirmations must be read (aloud if possible) at least four times daily
You need to be alert when you create and repeat your affirmations. If you drive you can record them to play in your car, even if you are totally focussed on driving safely they will still enter your mind at a subliminal level.
The best time of day to read your affirmations is when you get up in the morning. Repeat them again in the middle of the day and again when you finish work, then read them again before you go to bed.
To start with, avoid the temptation to set affirmations for material needs, wants and desires. Instead focus on your quality of life, your beliefs and your feelings.
Examine your feelings and where you find negative thoughts or feelings counter them with positive affirmations. The purpose of examining your feelings is to start creating a life that is free of struggle or emotional upheaval. A life that is full of love, pleasure and fulfilment. When you acquire that life you will have amazing freedom and time to explore options.
You were born with no excess baggage. Everything that you have been, done or acquired since then – good or bad- is of your own will and action. Others may have influenced you but the ultimate responsibility was and is yours. If you need to you CAN change any situation.
Some examples of inspiring affirmations are:
· I accept total responsibility for my life, thoughts and feelings
· I set myself high goals and achieve them
· I look to the future where my expectations are limitless
· I enjoy the beauty of each day
· My needs are met
· I use my skills and talents to the full
· If it is to be, it is up to me
· Every day, in every way, I am better and better
Thursday, 31 May 2007
Divorced or Single?
I was recently reading a debate about whether to refer to yourself as single or divorced once the divorce has gone through.
Is it a stigma to be divorced nowdays? I don't think so.
Does calling yourself divorced say to the world 'My marriage failed' or does it say 'I wasn't left on the shelf - somebody wanted me'? Alternatively does saying you are single imply that you have never been married - that you have never found anyone who wants to marry you or that you have never found anyone that you want to marry? Are you fussy or unloveable?
I would say - does it matter what everyone else thinks as long as you are comfortable with who and what you are?
Is it a stigma to be divorced nowdays? I don't think so.
Does calling yourself divorced say to the world 'My marriage failed' or does it say 'I wasn't left on the shelf - somebody wanted me'? Alternatively does saying you are single imply that you have never been married - that you have never found anyone who wants to marry you or that you have never found anyone that you want to marry? Are you fussy or unloveable?
I would say - does it matter what everyone else thinks as long as you are comfortable with who and what you are?
New Horizons Divorce Coaching
Are you –
· Newly separated/divorced/widowed and wondering ‘now what’?
· Used to being part of a couple and can’t adjust to being single again?
· Lacking confidence?
· Having negative or bitter feelings towards your ex?
· Ready to move on but not sure where to start?
As your Divorce Coach I will be dedicated to helping you to reinvent your life after your divorce. I will never judge you or criticise you but will support you in unlocking your potential and taking action to make your life more fulfilling.
I have been divorced once and widowed once so I understand the emotions associated with being on your own after being in a long-term relationship. I have had to reinvent my life on two occasions and am proof that it can be done. I am now self-employed, with a job that I love. I am also married again, very happily.
· Newly separated/divorced/widowed and wondering ‘now what’?
· Used to being part of a couple and can’t adjust to being single again?
· Lacking confidence?
· Having negative or bitter feelings towards your ex?
· Ready to move on but not sure where to start?
As your Divorce Coach I will be dedicated to helping you to reinvent your life after your divorce. I will never judge you or criticise you but will support you in unlocking your potential and taking action to make your life more fulfilling.
I have been divorced once and widowed once so I understand the emotions associated with being on your own after being in a long-term relationship. I have had to reinvent my life on two occasions and am proof that it can be done. I am now self-employed, with a job that I love. I am also married again, very happily.
Sunday, 27 May 2007
After your divorce
So the divorce is final and your ex is never coming back. Your friends are telling you that ‘it’s time to make a new life’ and ‘there are plenty more fish in the sea’ but how do you go about starting again when you’ve been part of a couple for so long?
This is where working with a Divorce Coach can be so helpful. A Divorce Coach will encourage and support you to make changes to your life so that you can start enjoying life as a single person.
There are any number of things you can do - you don’t need to go looking for a new fish to enjoy life as a single person. Instead make the most of the opportunity to take up new hobbies and interests. Your Coach can explore all the options with you but you will be the one responsible for making all the decisions and therefore you will be the one in charge of your new life.
This is where working with a Divorce Coach can be so helpful. A Divorce Coach will encourage and support you to make changes to your life so that you can start enjoying life as a single person.
There are any number of things you can do - you don’t need to go looking for a new fish to enjoy life as a single person. Instead make the most of the opportunity to take up new hobbies and interests. Your Coach can explore all the options with you but you will be the one responsible for making all the decisions and therefore you will be the one in charge of your new life.
Wednesday, 16 May 2007
Reverting to your maiden name after divorce
Upon divorce, many women want to revert to their maiden name. This can be accomplished in one of two ways:
by Deed Poll, or
by using their decree absolute and marriage certificate
It is sometimes possible for a divorced woman to revert to her maiden name without the need for a Deed Poll if her decree absolute certificate and marriage certificate (which shows her maiden name) are accepted as documentary evidence of her change of name. Upon presentation of these certificates most government departments and many companies and organisations will change their records to show the woman's maiden name. However, many companies and organisations will not accept a decree absolute, in particular the financial institutions such as banks and building societies. Please note, your marriage certificate may not need to be produced to government departments, companies and organisations that knew you before you were married - because they should still have your maiden name on file.
If your decree absolute and marriage certificate are not accepted as documentary evidence, then a Deed Poll will be required to change your name. With a Deed Poll, everyone will recognise your change of name without question. Of course, should you wish to change to a new name entirely or also make any alterations to your first or middle names, a Deed Poll will always be required. Changing your name by Deed Poll is quick and simple and you can read a summary of the Deed Poll process by going to www.ukdps.co.uk/HowToApply.html
Remember, when changing your name by Deed Poll, you can also take the opportunity to make other changes to your name. For example, you may wish to change your first name or add, change or remove middle names.
If you have children, you may also wish to change their surname by Deed Poll to your new surname or to a double-barrelled surname (your surname together with your ex-husband's surname). However, to change a child's name, the consent of everyone with parental responsibility is required. If your ex-husband is your children's father, then he will have parental responsibility and his consent will be required for any name change. For further information about parental responsibility and consent requirements go to http://www.ukdps.co.uk/.
With regard to your title, it is up to you whether you continue using Mrs or change your title to Miss or Ms. If you wish to change your title when you change your name, you will see a section on the Deed Poll application form where you can say what new title you want it can be incorporated in a declaration on your Deed Poll that changes your title.
If you are currently separated and contemplating divorce or are in the process of getting divorced, please go to http://www.ukdps.co.uk/ to research your rights upon separation.
Obtaining a copy of your decree absolute
If you have lost your decree absolute (and you were divorced in England or Wales), contact the Principal Registry of the Family Division, Decree Absolute Section, First Avenue House, 42-49 High Holborn, London, WC1V 6NP (Tel: 020 7947 7017). For a fee, they will access a union index to the registered court copies of decrees absolute for you, and either provide a certified copy of the information themselves (if the divorce was granted by the Supreme Court) or arrange for a certified copy to be sent to you from the relevant county court. If the divorce took place within the last 5 years, you can also contact the county court where it took
place for a cheaper service.
Obtaining a copy of your marriage certificate
You can obtain a certified copy of your marriage certificate by calling the General Register Office for England and Wales on 0845 6037788 8am to 8pm Monday to Friday, 9am to 4pm Saturday.
by Deed Poll, or
by using their decree absolute and marriage certificate
It is sometimes possible for a divorced woman to revert to her maiden name without the need for a Deed Poll if her decree absolute certificate and marriage certificate (which shows her maiden name) are accepted as documentary evidence of her change of name. Upon presentation of these certificates most government departments and many companies and organisations will change their records to show the woman's maiden name. However, many companies and organisations will not accept a decree absolute, in particular the financial institutions such as banks and building societies. Please note, your marriage certificate may not need to be produced to government departments, companies and organisations that knew you before you were married - because they should still have your maiden name on file.
If your decree absolute and marriage certificate are not accepted as documentary evidence, then a Deed Poll will be required to change your name. With a Deed Poll, everyone will recognise your change of name without question. Of course, should you wish to change to a new name entirely or also make any alterations to your first or middle names, a Deed Poll will always be required. Changing your name by Deed Poll is quick and simple and you can read a summary of the Deed Poll process by going to www.ukdps.co.uk/HowToApply.html
Remember, when changing your name by Deed Poll, you can also take the opportunity to make other changes to your name. For example, you may wish to change your first name or add, change or remove middle names.
If you have children, you may also wish to change their surname by Deed Poll to your new surname or to a double-barrelled surname (your surname together with your ex-husband's surname). However, to change a child's name, the consent of everyone with parental responsibility is required. If your ex-husband is your children's father, then he will have parental responsibility and his consent will be required for any name change. For further information about parental responsibility and consent requirements go to http://www.ukdps.co.uk/.
With regard to your title, it is up to you whether you continue using Mrs or change your title to Miss or Ms. If you wish to change your title when you change your name, you will see a section on the Deed Poll application form where you can say what new title you want it can be incorporated in a declaration on your Deed Poll that changes your title.
If you are currently separated and contemplating divorce or are in the process of getting divorced, please go to http://www.ukdps.co.uk/ to research your rights upon separation.
Obtaining a copy of your decree absolute
If you have lost your decree absolute (and you were divorced in England or Wales), contact the Principal Registry of the Family Division, Decree Absolute Section, First Avenue House, 42-49 High Holborn, London, WC1V 6NP (Tel: 020 7947 7017). For a fee, they will access a union index to the registered court copies of decrees absolute for you, and either provide a certified copy of the information themselves (if the divorce was granted by the Supreme Court) or arrange for a certified copy to be sent to you from the relevant county court. If the divorce took place within the last 5 years, you can also contact the county court where it took
place for a cheaper service.
Obtaining a copy of your marriage certificate
You can obtain a certified copy of your marriage certificate by calling the General Register Office for England and Wales on 0845 6037788 8am to 8pm Monday to Friday, 9am to 4pm Saturday.
Work mad Brits leave no time for their other half
Millions of Britons spend less than 6 hours a week enjoying time with their loved ones.The Life Balance survey, commissioned by Imodium, to find out whether Britons enjoy balanced lives found that 97 per cent of Brits are living their lives out of kilter, with just 3 per cent achieving satisfactory life balance ratings.The findings are based on a formula created by psychologist Dr David Lewis. He said: “The survey revealed that almost a third of respondents claimed to experience high levels of stress at least once a week, therefore increasing their chances of experiencing stress-related health problems such as Irritable Bowel Syndrome or diarrhoea.”"Neglecting relationships is one of the factors most damaging to a healthy life balance. 15 per cent of those questioned in the survey (approximately 7 million people in the UK) said they spent between zero and six hours each week on relationships with their partner –a pitifully small amount of time compared to the hours we spend commuting and at work."The research also profiled Brits according to how much their life was out of balance revealing that many of us are work hardened ‘Aggressors’ spending much of our lives at work, and sacrificing time with those we love.Only one in five 25-34 year olds spends more than 24 hours per week on their relationship with their partner, with a quarter of people aged 55 and over spending less than six hours per week. Conversely, the survey showed that 10 per cent of Brits spends more than 60 hours per week at work.Dr Lewis continued: "The research shows that people in the UK desperately need to take steps to improve their life balance. Simple steps include upping the amount of exercise taken each week to 2.5 hours, eating five portions of fruit and vegetables each day and simply making time to relax with friends and family. The feeling that work is all there is seems to be unique to the UK and it must change if we are to maintain good health into later life."The nationwide Life Balance survey was commissioned as part the Imodium Balance Your Life campaign to help people lead more balanced lives.
Tuesday, 1 May 2007
Anniversary Blog
I always advise my clients to 'count their blessings' and I wanted to share my biggest blessing with you today, my 8th wedding anniversary.
David is my 3rd husband and is, quite simply, the best thing that has ever happened to me. We are blissfully happy and, in David, I have found my soul mate.
I just wanted to share this with you to show that there is life after divorce and, in my case at least, it is an even better one.
David is my 3rd husband and is, quite simply, the best thing that has ever happened to me. We are blissfully happy and, in David, I have found my soul mate.
I just wanted to share this with you to show that there is life after divorce and, in my case at least, it is an even better one.
Wednesday, 25 April 2007
The Divorce Coach – Annie O’Neill
As your Divorce Coach I will help you to:
Decide what you want
Investigate your options
View things objectively
Overcome problems
Renew your confidence
Consider what actions to take
Explore new possibilities
Discover a new, more exciting and rewarding life
As your Divorce Coach I will be dedicated to helping you to reinvent your life after your divorce. I will never judge you or criticise you but will support you in unlocking your potential and taking action to make your life more fulfilling.
“It’s never too late to be what you might have been” – George Elliot
What is Divorce Coaching?
Being alone after being in a marriage is scary and rediscovering yourself after a divorce can be the last thing on your mind but until you have done this it is difficult to move on.
Going through a divorce is traumatic and rebuilding your life afterwards is a major change. Some of the common changes are where you live, relationships with joint friends or in-laws, rebuilding a social life, going back to work, living away from your children, your emotions – will you ever love again, trust someone again?
Most people (whether they have instigated the divorce or not) feel confused or angry after the break up of a long-term relationship. If you find yourself alone (with or without children) after years of being one half of a partnership then you may find that you have some daunting decisions to make and a journey of self-discovery to undertake.
Coaching can help you to rediscover yourself and give you the tools to move on. Coaching helps to develop and empower you to take action to live the life you deserve.
As your Divorce Coach I will encourage you to think positively and let go of any negative feelings you have towards your ex. Dwelling on regrets or bitterness will not help you to move forward and I will help you to acknowledge those feelings and learn from your past experiences without dwelling on them.
Decide what you want
Investigate your options
View things objectively
Overcome problems
Renew your confidence
Consider what actions to take
Explore new possibilities
Discover a new, more exciting and rewarding life
As your Divorce Coach I will be dedicated to helping you to reinvent your life after your divorce. I will never judge you or criticise you but will support you in unlocking your potential and taking action to make your life more fulfilling.
“It’s never too late to be what you might have been” – George Elliot
What is Divorce Coaching?
Being alone after being in a marriage is scary and rediscovering yourself after a divorce can be the last thing on your mind but until you have done this it is difficult to move on.
Going through a divorce is traumatic and rebuilding your life afterwards is a major change. Some of the common changes are where you live, relationships with joint friends or in-laws, rebuilding a social life, going back to work, living away from your children, your emotions – will you ever love again, trust someone again?
Most people (whether they have instigated the divorce or not) feel confused or angry after the break up of a long-term relationship. If you find yourself alone (with or without children) after years of being one half of a partnership then you may find that you have some daunting decisions to make and a journey of self-discovery to undertake.
Coaching can help you to rediscover yourself and give you the tools to move on. Coaching helps to develop and empower you to take action to live the life you deserve.
As your Divorce Coach I will encourage you to think positively and let go of any negative feelings you have towards your ex. Dwelling on regrets or bitterness will not help you to move forward and I will help you to acknowledge those feelings and learn from your past experiences without dwelling on them.
Divorcing women 'more likely than ever' to hire private investigators
NEW! HALF OF DIVORCING couples in Briton use a private investigator to check up on their partners – with wives the most suspicious, says new research. A new study published today found that 49 per cent of couples used an investigator in 2006 – more than double the figure the year before, when just 18 per cent used them. The survey of the country's leading family lawyers found that the majority of checks, 61 per cent, were carried out by women on their husbands. 'For the fourth year running our survey has shown that extra-marital affairs is the primary reason cited for the break down of marriages in the UK,' said Andrea McLaren, from the financial advisers Grant Thornton, whose forensic and investigation services practice carried out the research. 'As this figure continues to rise, it is little wonder that the number of individuals using private investigators continues to rise. Women appear to be using investigation specialists at a far higher rate than their male counterparts.' The survey, which assessed marriage trends and canvassed the opinions of family lawyers, found nearly one third of divorces were due to an extra-marital affair – mostly by husbands. Behaviour was cited as the reason for the break-up in 17 per cent of cases, followed by family strain and conflicts on personal decisions such as having a child. Just 4 per cent cited emotional or physical abuse. (23 April 2007)
Taken from Marie Claire magazine - online
Taken from Marie Claire magazine - online
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